I went to Paris the other day, just for 24 hours, and fell in love with it all over again. In fact, I hope he feels that he can hold it up.b.viner independent.co.uk
More from Brian Viner. “Ye’ll nae keep yer heed doon long enough.”Mr Collinson, mercifully, no longer needs to keep his head down. “In fact I might jump in after them and drown myself.” The weathered old caddie gave a wry smile “Ye’ll nae manage to droon yerself, sir,” he said.

And on the 18th hole, when inevitably he topped the ball off the tee and into the burn, he ordered his caddie to hand over his clubs.”I’m going to throw these bloody things into the water as well,” he raged. For 17 holes he kept his temper, but frustration was boiling up within. Which for those of us who play golf is another fine irony, since keeping your head down is one of the sport’s cardinal rules, and failure to do so often results in the ball winding up in the sort of place from which only Mr Collinson might extract it.Indeed, there is a tale of a caddie at St Andrews whose charge kept jerking his head up at the moment of contact He consequently kept topping the ball an untidy few yards. His barrister told him to keep his head down in jail and everything would be fine. It is a journey he has evocatively described since being freed, recalling every detail of the sight of people shopping, the warm sunshine, the van reversing in the prison yard.Apart from the torment of being separated from his family – his partner Annette, 11-year-old daughter and 16-year-old son – his main concern was that, as a palpable non-criminal, he might be roughed up by other prisoners.

But not feelings.Mr Collinson, by contrast, was full of feelings – shame, indignation, disbelief, anger – as he was driven off to Leicester jail to become prisoner JH6047. Fairways have necks, bunkers have faces, greens have fringes, holes have lips, clubs have heels, people who wear tartan plus fours are silly arses, and balls have dimples. “Show remorse to whom,” he said, “a golf ball?”Well, it is true that the terminology of golf involves lots of references to human characteristics. Whetstone Golf Club, after all, had declined to press charges. However, if Mr Collinson is resourceful enough to profit from our ineptitude, then all credit to him.Unfortunately, Mr Justice Bray did not agree, jailing Mr Collinson at Leicester Crown Court last month with the thunderous rebuke: “It is obvious you show no remorse.”Mr Collinson this week questioned whether remorse had a place in this sorry affair.